Death is a huge topic many try to avoid. I tend to try not to be sad when death comes. I like to think that its not about them being gone but who they were to that point. What they left behind, who is still there. I wear happy colors to funerals because my idea is they want us to still be happy after there death. They don't want to see us sad so why let them.
Nov 11th I lost someone I knew. It was to liver failure. Yeah we were friends there was a time we worked together and lived in the same appartment complex. Yes we grew apart in our busy life but that doesn't mean we didn't think of one another.
I remeber it was my 30th birthday and she gave me a shot glass that had my initial on it. Granted it was a Fireball shotglass but hey it was an L all the same. I have had it in my car every day since for a coin holder.
I heard stories about how you saved someones life by picking them up to take to the hospital when nobody else would. And they are hurt because they couldn't return it back to you.
My friend was an Alcholic she suffered from depression although she hid everything very well it finally caught up to her. No amount of rehab, no amount of support can make a person change if they don't want to. And by the time the damage is done its to late to stop or to change for the better. A death slow and painful your body turning against your fill it full of poisen. Causing your mind to play games on you and not think straight because you have so much toxen in your brain you can't focas. You became angry at the world and everyone you hold close. People would try to say high the week leading up to your death and your words were "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE" they saw you were sick and was concerned. Next they hear your in the hospital and than you didn't pull though. You didn't do it because you were mad or even because you blaim them but your self at leaving at the age of 25. How could you drink your self so far gone in such a short time. How could you do this when your parents never did it. Everyone morning you now, some are ralizing they loved you more than just a freind, others learn they never truely loved you the way they thought.
Many come together and talk about you and they learn things they didn't know. There raised to question things they thought to be true. If we all loved you than don't we still feel you in are prescince? You never left us your still with us in sprit form. So than when we say that and the one who suppose to love you as much as your parents if not more says they can't feel you did she every love you? Was it all an act? When they can't acknoledge your parents are morning too and they lash out at them wanting money and things that they don't have a right too. Rather than find acompermise you want it all. How is this love for the parents.
Alcholism is not the ideal way to die. It causes much pain and leaves many questions. Car wrecks killing family, friends. Orgains failing and nothing can be done to stop or save you. Violince, breaking of families, lose of children. Why do people drink from my experience with alcholics its because there depression and disaproval of them self is so high there is nothing that takes it away. Its not ideal to drown your sorrows but hey it works. And ultimitle they pay the price. And everyone close to them suffers with them.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Emotional Struggle of Losing Close and Dear Friends
Over the years i've learned its not easy for people to like me. That its hard to fit in and be accepted. Many times my mind will play games telling me I don't fit in that i'm all alone. I have learned those thoughts are just my depression playing with me. I am not perfect and I may not understand things or have the best social skills with making new friends or fitting in a crowed. But when given the oppertunity I become the most loyal and commeted freind you could ever ask for.
Those I call Friends are also what I see as family and who I would do anything for no matter what they do unto me. I've been burned, lied to, cheated, and stolen from those I thought was a friend. And i've come to understand not everyone I say is a friend tuely is and that its all one sided.
I have come to learn that for those I call friend, or Family its for the long haul for me not just when the tides change. I know thats not how others view it. But for me to call you freind means that you mean something that I want you in my life. If that friendship grows to become like family that means i'd do anything for you and want you to always be well.
I have friends who come and go more so than i'd like. It hits hard and I don't like it. I don't mean to be selfish its just friends and family is everything to me. If not for them I wouldn't be who I am today.
Those I call Friends are also what I see as family and who I would do anything for no matter what they do unto me. I've been burned, lied to, cheated, and stolen from those I thought was a friend. And i've come to understand not everyone I say is a friend tuely is and that its all one sided.
I have come to learn that for those I call friend, or Family its for the long haul for me not just when the tides change. I know thats not how others view it. But for me to call you freind means that you mean something that I want you in my life. If that friendship grows to become like family that means i'd do anything for you and want you to always be well.
I have friends who come and go more so than i'd like. It hits hard and I don't like it. I don't mean to be selfish its just friends and family is everything to me. If not for them I wouldn't be who I am today.
Thursday, October 27, 2016
Forbidden Love
Have you every meet someone that you just knew was the one? You knew from that first day they would become your world, you would grow old together? Many of us search our whole lives looking for that connection, that image we draw in our heads to give us our perfect match. Only to one day have it all shattered and realize that your dream will never become a reality.
Forbidden Love
The moment your heart stops. The every thought that is wasted by there image. You tell yourself your over you moved on but than you catch yourself wondering if you really did. You know you love them but that for circumstances at hand you can not be together. Though everyone sees you hang out together and its natural for them to see you as one a couple, husband and wife you have both been mistaken many of times.
There not perfect but neither are you but to you they are everything. The tenderness they only have shown you, the many nights you held them while they cried, the many nights they knew that you just needed to be held. The memories of all the above and beyond they did for you. When you recall them you make them seem to be a perfect angle, yet when you talk of the bad they are terrifying.
That no matter what happenes or how long your apart you can't get them out of your thoughts. That deep down in your heart you know you will be together again yet everything in your mind says to stay away. You do everythiing to keep yourself away from them but know that something as simple as talking or seeing one another could throw everything you work so hard to fight will just crumble at your feet.
You want the best for them. And sometimes Matters of the Heart are not the best for oneself. You want to do everything within your power to know they will always be safe. Yet you understand they need to find there way on there own just like you have done.
Forbidden Love
The moment your heart stops. The every thought that is wasted by there image. You tell yourself your over you moved on but than you catch yourself wondering if you really did. You know you love them but that for circumstances at hand you can not be together. Though everyone sees you hang out together and its natural for them to see you as one a couple, husband and wife you have both been mistaken many of times.
There not perfect but neither are you but to you they are everything. The tenderness they only have shown you, the many nights you held them while they cried, the many nights they knew that you just needed to be held. The memories of all the above and beyond they did for you. When you recall them you make them seem to be a perfect angle, yet when you talk of the bad they are terrifying.
That no matter what happenes or how long your apart you can't get them out of your thoughts. That deep down in your heart you know you will be together again yet everything in your mind says to stay away. You do everythiing to keep yourself away from them but know that something as simple as talking or seeing one another could throw everything you work so hard to fight will just crumble at your feet.
You want the best for them. And sometimes Matters of the Heart are not the best for oneself. You want to do everything within your power to know they will always be safe. Yet you understand they need to find there way on there own just like you have done.
My Views on PTSD questions and opinions
So in therapy I have been trying to understand and cope with P.T.S.D. I'VE COME TO LEARN THAT SOME THINGS TRIGGER IT MORE THAN OTHERS, some people effect you more than others. Is there a way to heal and not completely lose the all the memories and connection to people that you hold dear in ones life. How does one deal with all the flashbacks of the good times. The feeling that you once had that changed your day for the better. Only to be smashed to reality with all the tears and break ups.
I've learned its a never ending battle the what ifs, the could have been's. I'm told that to heal you must walk away from anything connected to the cause. But I find my self wanting to hold on to the good, and the hope that maybe someday those who caused such hurt could maybe some day be seen as the friend that they once was that walked away. For me, I have learned that by accepting the things that have been done are in the past. And no matter how much I was hurt by there actions its ultamitly my thoughts that have caused it to be an on going hurt.
Maybe this is just a dallusion I have and my thoughts are totally wrong. Maybe I hold onto things and find myself being attached to things I find a similarity too, or feel connected with and don't want to let go. Maybe I have more personality dissorders that I don't know about that makes me get attached fast once I open up. Because I find thouse I say are a friend are always one in my eyes even when I know the friendship is gone or over.
I've learned its a never ending battle the what ifs, the could have been's. I'm told that to heal you must walk away from anything connected to the cause. But I find my self wanting to hold on to the good, and the hope that maybe someday those who caused such hurt could maybe some day be seen as the friend that they once was that walked away. For me, I have learned that by accepting the things that have been done are in the past. And no matter how much I was hurt by there actions its ultamitly my thoughts that have caused it to be an on going hurt.
Maybe this is just a dallusion I have and my thoughts are totally wrong. Maybe I hold onto things and find myself being attached to things I find a similarity too, or feel connected with and don't want to let go. Maybe I have more personality dissorders that I don't know about that makes me get attached fast once I open up. Because I find thouse I say are a friend are always one in my eyes even when I know the friendship is gone or over.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Last 5yrs Dealing With Depression Part Two
Five Years Summuary
- Movie Gallery Closed 2010
- Break-up and lose of Childhood Best Friend 2010
- Losing best Childhood Female Friend 2010
- Economy made it hard to find New Job
- Disney Closed Store I was Working At 2011
- Got fired after one years work at Silver Dollar City because of my Disability 2011
- Two years with Mcdonald's to be fired because of my Disability (Unemployment determined) 2012
- Lost apartment because Land Lord decided they didn't like my Dog anymore. 2012
- Weeks shy of two year marker at Price Cutters Lost job due to two and five min late and depression 2014
- Two and half years of trips to St Louis helping Family (BFF) *Would do it all again* 2013-2015
- Co-living with Sister and Best friend with her kids. 2013- current
I worked for all but two years at McDonalds in Branson. I helped open that place from the ground up. And over that first year I watched management push people out so that by the time we had our first anniversary we had under 20 people from the start date. It started with me asking to be crossed trained into assembly and I was always ignored. A couple of them would let me try to fit in and I could hold my own in some areas of the line. I was the Driver Threw Cashier. Than I was striped from that and always put into the lobby. 8 hr Shifts lobby only. When I asked why or tried to talk to the main manager I was pushed aside and always told latter latter. Nobody would listen to me yet I was always in trouble because others didn't like me or didn't like to work with me. I would be told I no longer was on certain shifts or could do certain jobs because someone didn't like me yet when I ask what I did wrong they say we cant tell you. So one day I was taking orders on the second Driver though and making frozen drinks and ice cream. And the lady taking the order on first drive through rang things up wrong and just changed computers and told me to delete things while I was taking an order and making drinks. So 5 min latter when I go to the computer I didn't remember what she said behind my back to me. Figured she just forgot to serve it to the Cashier. So the drink was made and she wrote some large paper about how i didn't listen and when she said something to me about ruining the system they had. I said we can't change the past all we can do is move on. So when I came to work on my next shift we had a lobby full of kids like 5 buses outside. So I clocked in and asked where I was suppose to go just kept being told to wait wait. So i went to help clear out the lobby I worked two hrs and than got pulled to the back and told I was being let go not because of my disability but because of things I didn't do. Well went though unemployment and I had to take it to court and I actually got documents saying they fired me based on my disabilities.
The day I was let go I walked into price cutters and pretty much was offered a job on the spot. I also went into the career center and had interviewed for Five Guys and also was offered that job. I also got noticed on my door that I had 30 days to leave. Five guys never worked out never got put on the schedule. I wasn't bummed about it cause I had Carrie Underwood concert tickets just two days away. I was excited. Though during this short phase My ex called me up out of the blue with no knowledge or anything of what was going on. I mean its been 3 years and 6 months since we last spoke or even saw one another. He called and was like hey just wanted to make sure your okay and that you don't need anything like help or what not. How did he know are we really connected like this. Isn't this just coincidence on the time.
This was the year I got Cera my (Basset / Beagle) I saw an add on a pin up board in Branson and called the lady it was the last puppy. I was torn between a Corgi, or a Basset. I was doing my research and I wanted a dog to play with but would also be okay just laying around the house. She was my birthday gift to me, she was roughly 7 1/2 -8 weeks old. She was the best thing that I have done. Shes been by my side I've made amazing friends though her. She is the reason I even leave the house anymore.
I had the job with Price Cutters just shy of 2 years by like a matter of weeks. They labeled it as me being late for work as the ground in which they fired me. Even though I was seeing a counselor and Psychologist every other week and try different meds to see if I could get the depression under control. I told the counselor the week before I felt that I was going to be fired before my job hit two years. The next time I had a session it was me saying I was let go. I started working under the table in Branson at a hotel making 250 week. which was what I made at price cutters. Was it the trips to St Louis, was it the stress of everything all together. I think it was but I would go though it all again to help my friend out.
So I have a friend that got into some trouble and had to do some time. I always told her that when she was ready for a change my door was open. So she came,and that's when the trips started for St Louis. At first it was just her and I that went up every week. And after about a month or two we were like Becky lets alternate. 2 1/2 years of back and forth. But side not the kids are home. And everything calmer now and happy. We all still live together her and her three kids and my sister and I all share a place. We co-parent, and split expenses three ways. It was rocky at first but we have found a true balance.
Living together we have our good and bad days. Its driven me to counseling multiple times. Not so much as anyone's fault but that there is to much to deal with and I choose to find the help that I need to cope with everything. Nothing upsets me more than in a fight one saying the other moves out. The roommate seems to be doing that alot lately. Maybe she needs to just stop running away, and confront the problem.
Overall she packed up her kids and skiped out on the lease. But in the long run i'd do it all again to help her get her family back. And in turn if Becky and I had not done this trip we wouldn't be where we are today as sisters. Things have made a huge turn around for us. We still fight but ultimately I know she is there for me regardless of what happens, and we are way closer than we have every been out of diapers.
This was the year I got Cera my (Basset / Beagle) I saw an add on a pin up board in Branson and called the lady it was the last puppy. I was torn between a Corgi, or a Basset. I was doing my research and I wanted a dog to play with but would also be okay just laying around the house. She was my birthday gift to me, she was roughly 7 1/2 -8 weeks old. She was the best thing that I have done. Shes been by my side I've made amazing friends though her. She is the reason I even leave the house anymore.
I had the job with Price Cutters just shy of 2 years by like a matter of weeks. They labeled it as me being late for work as the ground in which they fired me. Even though I was seeing a counselor and Psychologist every other week and try different meds to see if I could get the depression under control. I told the counselor the week before I felt that I was going to be fired before my job hit two years. The next time I had a session it was me saying I was let go. I started working under the table in Branson at a hotel making 250 week. which was what I made at price cutters. Was it the trips to St Louis, was it the stress of everything all together. I think it was but I would go though it all again to help my friend out.
So I have a friend that got into some trouble and had to do some time. I always told her that when she was ready for a change my door was open. So she came,and that's when the trips started for St Louis. At first it was just her and I that went up every week. And after about a month or two we were like Becky lets alternate. 2 1/2 years of back and forth. But side not the kids are home. And everything calmer now and happy. We all still live together her and her three kids and my sister and I all share a place. We co-parent, and split expenses three ways. It was rocky at first but we have found a true balance.
Living together we have our good and bad days. Its driven me to counseling multiple times. Not so much as anyone's fault but that there is to much to deal with and I choose to find the help that I need to cope with everything. Nothing upsets me more than in a fight one saying the other moves out. The roommate seems to be doing that alot lately. Maybe she needs to just stop running away, and confront the problem.
Overall she packed up her kids and skiped out on the lease. But in the long run i'd do it all again to help her get her family back. And in turn if Becky and I had not done this trip we wouldn't be where we are today as sisters. Things have made a huge turn around for us. We still fight but ultimately I know she is there for me regardless of what happens, and we are way closer than we have every been out of diapers.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
A New Positive Adventure Against Depression
So in case you all didn't know this January I started to go to college at OTC. Its a big step for me because I didn't get the best schooling growing up with ADHD and ODD and being in special ed classes and being behind in reading and language arts. I feel the system should have fought to advance me in learning and not keep me at a comfortable level. I got thrown into Language Arts II with no buffer. It was a struggle and as much as I may not of known I do actually enjoy the subject. Don't tell my teachers lol. I don't do well in the spelling department so if that is taken out I should be okay.
On a side note my little sister has gotten her Bachelors in Psychology and Sociology and is going to try for her Masters. I tell her she did it to get help and that she should get minor in law so she could help and fight for me if that time every comes. But the two of us have talked for a couple years now. And we came up with the idea when she was done with her bachelors that she would try to help me get a degree in ASL (american sign language). Having my family and my sister stand by me has encouraged me to try to take that step. And trust and believe I did utilize her at the start. But I can hold my own and I see that now. I know shes there if I need her, I know my parents are there willing to stay up late hours into the night to help me finish editing a report. Yes, I hear the lectures but they enjoy it anyways and would do anything for me.
I've see a lot of people growing up with things I have. And not all of them grow to be able to survive on there own. I was a lucky one because my family made me who I am. I wasn't babied, I wasn't allowed to use it as an excuses regardless if it was the source of the issue I was taught to own up to my actions. I don't regret what my parents did for me. And I know as teens we say things and i'm sure my actions said other wise. But looking back as an adult I wouldn't change a thing that they did. Except include everyone in my counseling sessions to help develop the bonds that I lacked from age differences and being different.
I've had nothing but amazing instructors at OTC that want to see me succeed and is helping me to. Not only by developing a relationship but by being a friend on some level. One of the teachers encouraged me to see the school counselor after I told her about my walk out last monday. So I went and it was amazing was there almost two hours. But I now have someone who will work with me and fight with me to get someone to look farther into things rather than just say its in my head. He refereed me to have more intensive medical testings done to narrow out anything medical. To allow us to go on Psychologically. I have nothing medically wrong but all the physically symptoms are here. And someone just needs to listen and believe me so we can figure it out to help get past this hump i've been dealing with for years. Maybe just maybe my depression will finally balance out.
On a side note my little sister has gotten her Bachelors in Psychology and Sociology and is going to try for her Masters. I tell her she did it to get help and that she should get minor in law so she could help and fight for me if that time every comes. But the two of us have talked for a couple years now. And we came up with the idea when she was done with her bachelors that she would try to help me get a degree in ASL (american sign language). Having my family and my sister stand by me has encouraged me to try to take that step. And trust and believe I did utilize her at the start. But I can hold my own and I see that now. I know shes there if I need her, I know my parents are there willing to stay up late hours into the night to help me finish editing a report. Yes, I hear the lectures but they enjoy it anyways and would do anything for me.
I've see a lot of people growing up with things I have. And not all of them grow to be able to survive on there own. I was a lucky one because my family made me who I am. I wasn't babied, I wasn't allowed to use it as an excuses regardless if it was the source of the issue I was taught to own up to my actions. I don't regret what my parents did for me. And I know as teens we say things and i'm sure my actions said other wise. But looking back as an adult I wouldn't change a thing that they did. Except include everyone in my counseling sessions to help develop the bonds that I lacked from age differences and being different.
I've had nothing but amazing instructors at OTC that want to see me succeed and is helping me to. Not only by developing a relationship but by being a friend on some level. One of the teachers encouraged me to see the school counselor after I told her about my walk out last monday. So I went and it was amazing was there almost two hours. But I now have someone who will work with me and fight with me to get someone to look farther into things rather than just say its in my head. He refereed me to have more intensive medical testings done to narrow out anything medical. To allow us to go on Psychologically. I have nothing medically wrong but all the physically symptoms are here. And someone just needs to listen and believe me so we can figure it out to help get past this hump i've been dealing with for years. Maybe just maybe my depression will finally balance out.
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Struggles with my Sister.
Sometimes I feel like people don't understand me. For example my little sister feels that I hate her and don't like her. We are ten years apart, I love her to death, all I every wanted was that sister relationship you see everyone else have. I feel thats something we wont have. Its partly my fault for being older and moving away and not trying to keep in touch. I know she looks at me as a burden and nothing I say to her is every good enough, she always has to seek another opinion. Why for once can you not listen to me I mean just maybe your big sister knows a thing or two.
My whole idea when I pitched to our parents to help us rent a house. It was for the idea that just maybe we would bond and develop that relationship. Yeah was I in for a rude awakening. Shes a smoker so of course I asked that smoking happened outside. She always agreed at first but when it came down to it she never fallowed though with her plans. It would make me so mad. Compermize i'm told give a little to get a little.
All I every wanted was for us to be close, to do things from time to time. Be our self and yet have sister bonding time., I know we have years between us and it makes us way different personality wise. But I can still dream about one day having a sister that will be there no matter what. It took us having a roommate and helping her out for us to truly value the fact of us being sisters. I wouldn't change anything to be where we are now. I feel like we can talk to one another and understand each other or at least try to a lot more than we use to. And we have our roommate to thank for that. Its been a very long bumpy road but we did it we made it.
Yeah I could tell you all the bad things like being pushed though a window, or chased with a hacksaw, or even doing dishes and luckily our brother walked in when he did because behind me she was coming towards me with a steak knife with intentions to stab me. But than I did things to her too, some that she probable wont even remember being so young. As a teen and older sibling when we were all still in school together we would play and she asked to be tied up so our brother and I would tie her to a tree while we were outside playing. Or we dare her to do crazy stupid stuff.
We are doing way better nowadays. We try to have a once a week outing. It works to distress and allows us bonding time. She also come along way at allowing me to express how I feel when my depression or insecurities play a tole on things. Just the other day she came to me and sat on my bed and we talked for what seemed like hours. And yes it was more me upset about things happening in my life. But she listened, I know she doesn't completely understand me. BUT SHE LISTENED!!!!! That is such a huge step for us. Cause it normally is yell yell yell and yell some more. I'm not perfect and yes I may complain a lot but I only complain when I have a reason. Being reassured on things helps keep me from complaining.
I love my sister and don't you forget it. Cause only a sister can be made and love at the same time. My meaning by that is you can develop a sisters bond though friends and than you have the ones your born with.
I know now even with my insecurities and our differences that she will always be there regardless of where we stand closeness or not. She will help me though College, staying up late hrs with me to help me write papers.
All I every wanted was for us to be close, to do things from time to time. Be our self and yet have sister bonding time., I know we have years between us and it makes us way different personality wise. But I can still dream about one day having a sister that will be there no matter what. It took us having a roommate and helping her out for us to truly value the fact of us being sisters. I wouldn't change anything to be where we are now. I feel like we can talk to one another and understand each other or at least try to a lot more than we use to. And we have our roommate to thank for that. Its been a very long bumpy road but we did it we made it.
Yeah I could tell you all the bad things like being pushed though a window, or chased with a hacksaw, or even doing dishes and luckily our brother walked in when he did because behind me she was coming towards me with a steak knife with intentions to stab me. But than I did things to her too, some that she probable wont even remember being so young. As a teen and older sibling when we were all still in school together we would play and she asked to be tied up so our brother and I would tie her to a tree while we were outside playing. Or we dare her to do crazy stupid stuff.
We are doing way better nowadays. We try to have a once a week outing. It works to distress and allows us bonding time. She also come along way at allowing me to express how I feel when my depression or insecurities play a tole on things. Just the other day she came to me and sat on my bed and we talked for what seemed like hours. And yes it was more me upset about things happening in my life. But she listened, I know she doesn't completely understand me. BUT SHE LISTENED!!!!! That is such a huge step for us. Cause it normally is yell yell yell and yell some more. I'm not perfect and yes I may complain a lot but I only complain when I have a reason. Being reassured on things helps keep me from complaining.
I love my sister and don't you forget it. Cause only a sister can be made and love at the same time. My meaning by that is you can develop a sisters bond though friends and than you have the ones your born with.
I know now even with my insecurities and our differences that she will always be there regardless of where we stand closeness or not. She will help me though College, staying up late hrs with me to help me write papers.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Last 5yrs Dealing With Depression Part one
Looking back over the last five years and how Depression has played a role in my life. A lot has happened in the last five years.
Five Years Summuary
Ten-year at Movie Gallery came to an end. The company went bankrupt and closed all there USA doors, three years gone right out the door. I ended up with a ton of movies and a load of unemployment. I was averaging almost $200 week. I had worked as many as 3-4 jobs at one point during my time at Movie Gallery. I could handle the struggle and stress of a very busy life. I sold tickets for a Travel Club, Time Share in a Call Center setting, worked with kids with special needs at support meetings to help there parents, these were all successful places I worked while at Movie Gallery. There was one job that I went to work Hardee's I applied for a night position and was put on weekend biscuit making, my car also was reposed at the time so I couldn't walk across town. They labeled me a no call no show even when I called them 10-times and they said it was covered. I wasn't heart broken over this period in time.
I officially walked away from someone I cared a lot about summer of 2010. I cut all ties and connection, I felt no communication was the best for me. I had a lot to deal with, we were best friends since 7th grade, we didn't date until after High School. And than there was the emotional abuse that i'd been taking because of his own problems and depression. There might have been some physical forcing me to stay in a room or to sit on the couch small stuff like that. But enough to do damage. I wouldn't put it past anything if I don't suffer from a little PTSD from it all. He walked out for 15 days and I realized I was not looking people in the eyes. It made me remember a lesson I once gave a co-ed Venturing Crew about relationship abuse and at that moment realized it was time to end things. It doesn't matter how much you love a person or how right it is to be with them. If you cant do the things you enjoy and enjoy them, your life becomes homebody its time to leave. I went three in a half years of no communication with him and than randomly he called me. But that's another story for another blog.
Than there was the long-term friend that the two of you were glued to the hip all though school. Everyone has issues and deals with them in there own way. But to lash out at those who love you, and want to help you overcome them is not always the best. That is what happened here, she decided to push everyone away including her own family. And in doing so me being stubburn knew something was wrong. I tried to get her to communicate to sort things out.
It backfired instead I got. You took the love of my life, I had to watch you be happy with him. My husband wanted you not me, We were never friends it was all an act. I used you to get what I could to benefit myself and you just couldn't go away. It never meant anything.
Even though I know she was hurting and talking lies to purposely push me away. It still hurt that over 12ish years wasted. I walked away and we went a good four to five years with little to no communication. We only recently started talking around thanksgiving time.
Than we have the good old economy crash that everyone had to endure. I took the summer off after Movie Gallery closed and enjoyed going to Silver Dollar City and swimming and hanging with friends. Than randomly walked into Disney got an application and applied by November I had the job. While at Movie Gallery I did however apply for Disney though Craigslist and was offered an interview by the Reganal Manager and I was not able to make it. That had a hand in me getting hired so fast. They remembered my application from few months prior. Disney shut its doors March 22nd the day before my birthday. I was offered a job with West Gate end of February so I was already safe. I ended up leaving before closing dates. Only lasted until April wasn't the right season to be trying time share.The day they let me go I applied online at McDonalds'. I had a call and interview that day hrs after my application. I was told I had the job but had to go though procedure and wait for second interview. I also had interview with Silver Dollar City that same weekend. Landed both interviews for SDC in the same sitting. Was offered that job too. So I did both. Oh my gosh was it crazy.
I worked at SDC and Mcdonalds' at the same time. I'd get up for SDC at 6AM and leave the house between 6:30-7AM. I had to be at SDC at my work site by 8AM to get the kitchen ready to open by 9:30AM. I would work untill 2-4PM most days. And would have just enough time after riding shuttle to my car to drive accross Branson to Mcdonalds to work. Sometimes i'd run in my work outfit (early 1900s' dress) and have to rush to change. I'd normally was on schedule anywhere from 40hrs - 65hrs at SDC we close early and the hours never exceeded 50hrs. And I would do about 25-40hrs at Mcdonalds'. I'll make a blog all in its own about the departure of SDC and Mcdonalds and how it effected me.
I can handle stress on the job. Just don't treat me like i'm stupid. I don't like feeling like i'm being pushed out and excluded. Were suppose to be a team, a work family and that's not how you develop that work relationship.
Five Years Summuary
- Movie Gallery Closed 2010
- Break-up and lose of Childhood Best Friend 2010
- Losing best Childhood Female Friend 2010
- Economy made it hard to find New Job
- Disney Closed Store I was Working At 2011
- Got fired after one years work at Silver Dollar City because of my Disability 2011
- Two years with Mcdonald's to be fired because of my Disability (Unemployment determined) 2012
- Lost apartment because Land Lord decided they didn't like my Dog anymore. 2012
- Weeks shy of two year marker at Price Cutters Lost job due to two and five min late and depression 2014
- Two and half years of trips to St Louis helping Family (BFF) *Would do it all again* 2013-2015
- Co-living with Sister and Best friend with her kids. 2013- current
That's a lot for just one person to go though by them self. I'll give a little background to what went though my mind, and how I coped with each one. Might take a little time so bare with me. I'm going to talk about the first 5 and make a part two for the rest.
Ten-year at Movie Gallery came to an end. The company went bankrupt and closed all there USA doors, three years gone right out the door. I ended up with a ton of movies and a load of unemployment. I was averaging almost $200 week. I had worked as many as 3-4 jobs at one point during my time at Movie Gallery. I could handle the struggle and stress of a very busy life. I sold tickets for a Travel Club, Time Share in a Call Center setting, worked with kids with special needs at support meetings to help there parents, these were all successful places I worked while at Movie Gallery. There was one job that I went to work Hardee's I applied for a night position and was put on weekend biscuit making, my car also was reposed at the time so I couldn't walk across town. They labeled me a no call no show even when I called them 10-times and they said it was covered. I wasn't heart broken over this period in time.
I officially walked away from someone I cared a lot about summer of 2010. I cut all ties and connection, I felt no communication was the best for me. I had a lot to deal with, we were best friends since 7th grade, we didn't date until after High School. And than there was the emotional abuse that i'd been taking because of his own problems and depression. There might have been some physical forcing me to stay in a room or to sit on the couch small stuff like that. But enough to do damage. I wouldn't put it past anything if I don't suffer from a little PTSD from it all. He walked out for 15 days and I realized I was not looking people in the eyes. It made me remember a lesson I once gave a co-ed Venturing Crew about relationship abuse and at that moment realized it was time to end things. It doesn't matter how much you love a person or how right it is to be with them. If you cant do the things you enjoy and enjoy them, your life becomes homebody its time to leave. I went three in a half years of no communication with him and than randomly he called me. But that's another story for another blog.
Than there was the long-term friend that the two of you were glued to the hip all though school. Everyone has issues and deals with them in there own way. But to lash out at those who love you, and want to help you overcome them is not always the best. That is what happened here, she decided to push everyone away including her own family. And in doing so me being stubburn knew something was wrong. I tried to get her to communicate to sort things out.
It backfired instead I got. You took the love of my life, I had to watch you be happy with him. My husband wanted you not me, We were never friends it was all an act. I used you to get what I could to benefit myself and you just couldn't go away. It never meant anything.
Even though I know she was hurting and talking lies to purposely push me away. It still hurt that over 12ish years wasted. I walked away and we went a good four to five years with little to no communication. We only recently started talking around thanksgiving time.
Than we have the good old economy crash that everyone had to endure. I took the summer off after Movie Gallery closed and enjoyed going to Silver Dollar City and swimming and hanging with friends. Than randomly walked into Disney got an application and applied by November I had the job. While at Movie Gallery I did however apply for Disney though Craigslist and was offered an interview by the Reganal Manager and I was not able to make it. That had a hand in me getting hired so fast. They remembered my application from few months prior. Disney shut its doors March 22nd the day before my birthday. I was offered a job with West Gate end of February so I was already safe. I ended up leaving before closing dates. Only lasted until April wasn't the right season to be trying time share.The day they let me go I applied online at McDonalds'. I had a call and interview that day hrs after my application. I was told I had the job but had to go though procedure and wait for second interview. I also had interview with Silver Dollar City that same weekend. Landed both interviews for SDC in the same sitting. Was offered that job too. So I did both. Oh my gosh was it crazy.
I worked at SDC and Mcdonalds' at the same time. I'd get up for SDC at 6AM and leave the house between 6:30-7AM. I had to be at SDC at my work site by 8AM to get the kitchen ready to open by 9:30AM. I would work untill 2-4PM most days. And would have just enough time after riding shuttle to my car to drive accross Branson to Mcdonalds to work. Sometimes i'd run in my work outfit (early 1900s' dress) and have to rush to change. I'd normally was on schedule anywhere from 40hrs - 65hrs at SDC we close early and the hours never exceeded 50hrs. And I would do about 25-40hrs at Mcdonalds'. I'll make a blog all in its own about the departure of SDC and Mcdonalds and how it effected me.
I can handle stress on the job. Just don't treat me like i'm stupid. I don't like feeling like i'm being pushed out and excluded. Were suppose to be a team, a work family and that's not how you develop that work relationship.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Side Effects of Medicine UNKNOWN
So I withdrew myself of my meds after Graduation 2003. Every since than I've been faced with different struggles. It all started winter of 03-04 when i'd be outside in the cold my muscles would constrict. over the years it progressed so lose of neck muscles and arms and legs. To the point of face planting. It than progressed to me laughing and sad emotions.
In 2014
I used my insurance to try to find out what happens and why. $5K to have an MRI, EKG, CAT SCAN, to see a Neurologist just to be told its in my head and to avoid the things that trigger it. So its still unknown as to what it is.
Is it a side Effect from all those years on meds.
Did the Meds cover this to where I didn't see it.
So many possibilities and unknown choices. Being told to take a flying leap. One of my biggest fears is not being able to fix and repair from it. I hate felling like everyone watching waiting for me to fail.
I've narrowed it down to possible Thoracic Outlook Syndrome, Convulsion Disorder. I just hope to find the answer before they get to serious.
In 2014
I used my insurance to try to find out what happens and why. $5K to have an MRI, EKG, CAT SCAN, to see a Neurologist just to be told its in my head and to avoid the things that trigger it. So its still unknown as to what it is.
Is it a side Effect from all those years on meds.
Did the Meds cover this to where I didn't see it.
So many possibilities and unknown choices. Being told to take a flying leap. One of my biggest fears is not being able to fix and repair from it. I hate felling like everyone watching waiting for me to fail.
I've narrowed it down to possible Thoracic Outlook Syndrome, Convulsion Disorder. I just hope to find the answer before they get to serious.
Struggling with the Job and ODD
Event took place Monday March 07, 2016 noonish
So its not like me to want to walk out of a place of employment. I like to get a job and stay there as long as I can. But recently there has been some big struggles in my job site. I worked in a fast paced fast food restaurant people know as Moe's.
I started about April of last year in Branson. It was a fun environment very fast past. There were days i'd not step away from the register because it was customer after customer. I loved the fast pace of it all. I'll admit am not always the best employee you give me a list i'll get it done. I was however trusted, I knew managers codes to deal with customers. And even though I had the ability and know how to do things they trusted that I'd not abuse that privilege. I would always get a manager for manager approval if it exceeded what I was granted permission to do on my own.
But with tourism coming to an end for the year business went down. So I volunteered to transfer to Springfield to help out there over the season. Man was that my first mistake. As first I did both i'd work 4hrs on Monday in Branson than turn around for another 4hrs in Springfield. Just an idea of difference in the business of the stores is Branson 4hr shift was about 4-600$ and Springfield was about 2-400$. It became a my store your store battle. And me not knowing everything because I was sole register or lobby. Branson was to busy for me to cross train so the idea was to be crossed in Springfield. Well it never happened.
Instead no matter how many times I asked them over and over to train me the way they wanted me to be there. I was left to fry chips and taco bowls and taco shells. Being treated like you can't do anything. Being yelled at and pushed out of the way. Being told everything you have done for 8 months is wrong. *Explain to me how same company, same franchise can have such different policies.* I was never given my own register I had to use others.
So when you work for a company that so stick with food cost and waist. When I started seeing people take food and leave without paying. I did the right thing I told Management especially when 10-20$ worth of food would walk out the door. Its not so much that it was free for them anyways but it was not accounted for it. Seems like nobody cared because I went from 25hrs to 9hrs a week.
The last day I worked was a Monday the most busies day of all. MOE MONDAY is what we call it. I've not been right in the head starting to get depressed, unworthy of anything. I had talked to my manager on Saturday and told her where I was mentally on things. And she assured me we be able to work though it together. So i'm on register helping a guest with 4kids meals and two burritos. I'm ringing in his order and basketing up the kids meals. When the shift leader comes over starts dictating to me what to do. "Why don't you get your baskets ready" *I have already waiting on the kids quesadillas. "so get those over there. *i'm trying to get the kids meals out firsthand you tell me not to walk around people. So than he takes the scoop away from me and stands in my way from getting the rest of my meals ready. When the line clears I go to stock the kids cups because there out. And he comes to pull me to the back to lecture me.
"come here we need to talk" is what i'm told as i'm trying to get things ready for the next rush we get. I goto the back and he stands there. In a tone one would talk to a little child he goes. "Do you have issues with people in authority," flailing his arms around half bent over mocking me on my height. He accused me of yelling and being rude and having an attitude. So I asked how when I have to talk louder for lack of voice, and my hands are by my side. He kept pestering and going on and on flaring his monkey arms at me. And I couldn't do it so I threw my hands up and said you know what i'm done i'm not doing this i'm going home. As much as it kills me to give into what they wanted. I feel its been the best thing for me.
My second job giving me more hours and better pay. I can focus now on school more. I have no regrets I wish things didn't happen the way they did. I tired for almost 4months and it was just one after another. I asked for task lists and to be retrained. and was even told that the manager would work one on one with me I only got one day and that was that. Nobody cared to communicate with me. I'd come in to things changed and the register being changed and nobody would say anything until after a refund needed to be made.
My conclusion is with my struggles to cope I can not work where there is no communication, and where nobody is willing to take me under there wing to guide me in the path they wish me to achieve. I need to be shown things like a child would learn something new but talking to them as an adult. You want my respect it must be earned. Once one earns it you have my undoubtedly loyalty.
On March 13 I visited the Branson location and found out that Springfield spread like Wildfire the fact that I walked out. But hide all the facts that lead up to it. Nothing irritates me more than people talking and gossiping about why people leave or get fired.
So its not like me to want to walk out of a place of employment. I like to get a job and stay there as long as I can. But recently there has been some big struggles in my job site. I worked in a fast paced fast food restaurant people know as Moe's.
I started about April of last year in Branson. It was a fun environment very fast past. There were days i'd not step away from the register because it was customer after customer. I loved the fast pace of it all. I'll admit am not always the best employee you give me a list i'll get it done. I was however trusted, I knew managers codes to deal with customers. And even though I had the ability and know how to do things they trusted that I'd not abuse that privilege. I would always get a manager for manager approval if it exceeded what I was granted permission to do on my own.
But with tourism coming to an end for the year business went down. So I volunteered to transfer to Springfield to help out there over the season. Man was that my first mistake. As first I did both i'd work 4hrs on Monday in Branson than turn around for another 4hrs in Springfield. Just an idea of difference in the business of the stores is Branson 4hr shift was about 4-600$ and Springfield was about 2-400$. It became a my store your store battle. And me not knowing everything because I was sole register or lobby. Branson was to busy for me to cross train so the idea was to be crossed in Springfield. Well it never happened.
Instead no matter how many times I asked them over and over to train me the way they wanted me to be there. I was left to fry chips and taco bowls and taco shells. Being treated like you can't do anything. Being yelled at and pushed out of the way. Being told everything you have done for 8 months is wrong. *Explain to me how same company, same franchise can have such different policies.* I was never given my own register I had to use others.
So when you work for a company that so stick with food cost and waist. When I started seeing people take food and leave without paying. I did the right thing I told Management especially when 10-20$ worth of food would walk out the door. Its not so much that it was free for them anyways but it was not accounted for it. Seems like nobody cared because I went from 25hrs to 9hrs a week.
The last day I worked was a Monday the most busies day of all. MOE MONDAY is what we call it. I've not been right in the head starting to get depressed, unworthy of anything. I had talked to my manager on Saturday and told her where I was mentally on things. And she assured me we be able to work though it together. So i'm on register helping a guest with 4kids meals and two burritos. I'm ringing in his order and basketing up the kids meals. When the shift leader comes over starts dictating to me what to do. "Why don't you get your baskets ready" *I have already waiting on the kids quesadillas. "so get those over there. *i'm trying to get the kids meals out firsthand you tell me not to walk around people. So than he takes the scoop away from me and stands in my way from getting the rest of my meals ready. When the line clears I go to stock the kids cups because there out. And he comes to pull me to the back to lecture me.
"come here we need to talk" is what i'm told as i'm trying to get things ready for the next rush we get. I goto the back and he stands there. In a tone one would talk to a little child he goes. "Do you have issues with people in authority," flailing his arms around half bent over mocking me on my height. He accused me of yelling and being rude and having an attitude. So I asked how when I have to talk louder for lack of voice, and my hands are by my side. He kept pestering and going on and on flaring his monkey arms at me. And I couldn't do it so I threw my hands up and said you know what i'm done i'm not doing this i'm going home. As much as it kills me to give into what they wanted. I feel its been the best thing for me.
My second job giving me more hours and better pay. I can focus now on school more. I have no regrets I wish things didn't happen the way they did. I tired for almost 4months and it was just one after another. I asked for task lists and to be retrained. and was even told that the manager would work one on one with me I only got one day and that was that. Nobody cared to communicate with me. I'd come in to things changed and the register being changed and nobody would say anything until after a refund needed to be made.
My conclusion is with my struggles to cope I can not work where there is no communication, and where nobody is willing to take me under there wing to guide me in the path they wish me to achieve. I need to be shown things like a child would learn something new but talking to them as an adult. You want my respect it must be earned. Once one earns it you have my undoubtedly loyalty.
On March 13 I visited the Branson location and found out that Springfield spread like Wildfire the fact that I walked out. But hide all the facts that lead up to it. Nothing irritates me more than people talking and gossiping about why people leave or get fired.
Into to who I am... The Story of My LIFE
What its like to be different.
HI my name is Lyssa and
this is my first blog so Bare with me. I'm going to give some feedback of
who I am and how my childhood diagnoses still affects my life as an adult.
I was a hand full when I
was little. Right out of the womb I had medical issues. Nothing
that was life treating or that would keep me in the hospital. And as far as I've been able to tell has not hindered me yet in life. I was born stubborn wanted to be backwards to the world, a breach baby, it took everyone
about a day to realize something was wrong. Turned out my hips and legs
were not fully developed yet, braces were issued and ordered until I could
crawl, than at night until I started walking. *or at least thats the
story I've been told.
By age three ear
infections had become such a routine that I was practically known at the
hospital. There were times not only would I have one but i'd have two in
both ears. It delayed me in learning to speak because I was pretty much
deaf to the world. I was going for weekly checkups because of this.
*Mom tells me I was weeks away from getting Tubes* Than all of a
sudden it stopped and surprisingly I've not had any since. But damage was
done, so weeks, months, and years of tests, and early schooling was about to
begin for me.
I recall bits and pieces of the hospital visits. Having Dr watch how I walk, sticking me in integration rooms *hearing test* they have me sit on a stool and wear
earphones and than they leave. I'd stair at this glass wall and it was
dark. and I was given instructions to raise my hand if I heard a sound. I
remember the bubble gum flavored medicine I'd be given, my mother was a little worried at first because she was allergic and had not yet found out if I was.
The small memories I
have from my early schooling age. I had this one teacher that came in to
work with my speech. I was very lucky I had her from age 3 to the end of
my 2nd grade year. I remember my first word with no help was Smoke I was
so proud of my self. People come into or lives and make such an impact that they never leave us. Growing up i continuously tried to find her.
I'd search online and I had information that I kept on hand. And
one day after I graduated High School I called, her husband answered and handed
her the phone. I was so eager to talk to her for the simple fact that I
wanted to show her I made it. That I had overcome my troubles, she felt
from her years of experience that I would always need help with speech.
And I over came all of this.
At age 8, all the trouble i'd get into led for
my parents and the school to have me tested for ADHD or other problems. I
was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and Mild case of Depression. My parents
treated me no differently than they would if I didn't have this issues. I
was put on medicine to try to control my mood swings. Being in a
Military family I guess my depression may have came from a young age of my dad
being deployed during my development stage. But age wise that would also
put me around the time I got a brother. Maybe it was just the sudden
change. Yet it could be the simple fact that all our family was across the states.
I was born in California
lived there tell summer of 93' I was 9 1/2 yrs old. I stayed to
meet my little sister be born. Than on a plain I went to fly to Missouri while we transitions to Texas. Not many kids can say they flew alone.
*this girl can* Stayed the summer with Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles,
huge culture shock not only my surroundings but the way they did things.
I was spoiled in there eyes.
When my parents caught up we drove to Texas. I missed some school to the point I started asking to go. we lived there tell i was 13yrs old. Than we officially moved to Missouri and I've been here every since.
When my parents caught up we drove to Texas. I missed some school to the point I started asking to go. we lived there tell i was 13yrs old. Than we officially moved to Missouri and I've been here every since.
Of course me being
a kid didn't understand half of what was going on. I don't resent my
parents for anything they did for me growing up. I know at times kids say
things and i'm sure I told them otherwise. I also don't resent having
siblings. Family is my world, Friends are included. This is going
to be the story of my struggles though life. I'm going to back track a
little to bring out some tough struggles, and disappointments in my life.
I was diagnosed as a kid with ADHD, ODD, Mild Depression at the age of 8yrs. Along with that I was behind in Language Arts and Reading. But with many good people in my life Family, Teachers, Religious Guides and Friends I was able to pull though. In which made me into what I am today.
As an adult I've tried to be re-diagnosed and run into DR wanting to use tests from when I was 8yrs old. The best I've gotten so far is ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and Social Disorder (which is adult for ODD). This will be the adventure of trying to fit into personal home life, job life, and finding a treatment for all aspects in life.
Struggling to fit in
My life from Childhood to Adult Hood
I was diagnosed as a kid with ADHD, ODD, Mild Depression at the age of 8yrs. Along with that I was behind in Language Arts and Reading. But with many good people in my life Family, Teachers, Religious Guides and Friends I was able to pull though. In which made me into what I am today.
As an adult I've tried to be re-diagnosed and run into DR wanting to use tests from when I was 8yrs old. The best I've gotten so far is ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and Social Disorder (which is adult for ODD). This will be the adventure of trying to fit into personal home life, job life, and finding a treatment for all aspects in life.
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