Death by Alcholoisim

Death is a huge topic many try to avoid.  I tend to try not to be sad when death comes.  I like to think that its not about them being gone but who they were to that point.  What they left behind, who is still there.  I wear happy colors to funerals because my idea is they want us to still be happy after there death.  They don't want to see us sad so why let them.

Nov 11th I lost someone I knew.  It was to liver failure.  Yeah we were friends there was a time we worked together and lived in the same appartment complex.  Yes we grew apart in our busy life but that doesn't mean we didn't think of one another.

I remeber it was my 30th birthday and she gave me a shot glass that had my initial on it.  Granted it was a Fireball shotglass but hey it was an L all the same. I have had it in my car every day since for a coin holder.

I heard stories about how you saved someones life by picking them up to take to the hospital when nobody else would.  And they are hurt because they couldn't return it back to you.

My friend was an Alcholic she suffered from depression although she hid everything very well it finally caught up to her.  No amount of rehab, no amount of support can make a person change if they don't want to.  And by the time the damage is done its to late to stop or to change for the better. A death slow and painful your body turning against your fill it full of poisen.  Causing your mind to play games on you and not think straight because you have so much toxen in your brain you can't focas.  You became angry at the world and everyone you hold close.  People would try to say high the week leading up to your death and your words were "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE" they saw you were sick and was concerned.  Next they hear your in the hospital and than you didn't pull though.  You didn't do it because you were mad or even because you blaim them but your self at leaving at the age of 25.  How could you drink your self so far gone in such a short time.  How could you do this when your parents never did it.  Everyone morning you now, some are ralizing they loved you more than just a freind, others learn they never truely loved you the way they thought.

Many come together and talk about you and they learn things they didn't know. There raised to question things they thought to be true.  If we all loved you than don't we still feel you in are prescince?  You never left us your still with us in sprit form.  So than when we say that and the one who suppose to love you as much as your parents if not more says they can't feel you did she every love you?  Was it all an act?  When they can't acknoledge your parents are morning too and they lash out at them wanting money and things that they don't have a right too.  Rather than find acompermise you want it all.  How is this love for the parents.

Alcholism is not the ideal way to die.  It causes much pain and leaves many questions.  Car wrecks killing family, friends.  Orgains failing and nothing can be done to stop or save you.  Violince, breaking of families, lose of children.  Why do people drink from my experience with alcholics its because there depression and disaproval of them self is so high there is nothing that takes it away.  Its not ideal to drown your sorrows but hey it works. And ultimitle they pay the price.  And everyone close to them suffers with them.

Emotional Struggle of Losing Close and Dear Friends

Over the years i've learned its not easy for people to like me. That its hard to fit in and be accepted.  Many times my mind will play games telling me I don't fit in that i'm all alone. I have learned those thoughts are just my depression playing with me.  I am not perfect and I may not understand things or have the best social skills with making new friends or fitting in a crowed. But when given the oppertunity I become the most loyal and commeted freind you could ever ask for.

Those I call Friends are also what I see as family and who I would do anything for no matter what they do unto me.  I've been burned, lied to, cheated, and stolen from those I thought was a friend. And i've come to understand not everyone I say is a friend tuely is and that its all one sided.

I have come to learn that for those I call friend, or Family its for the long haul for me not just when the tides change.  I know thats not how others view it. But for me to call you freind means that you mean something that I want you in my life.  If that friendship grows to become like family that means i'd do anything for you and want you to always be well.

I have friends who come and go more so than i'd like.  It hits hard and I don't like it.  I don't mean to be selfish its just friends and family is everything to me. If not for them I wouldn't be who I am today.